September 23, 2010, ruminations on a random Thursday morning ...

The daily reading from the Dali Lama for September 21 was as follows:

Western brains work, they work a great deal, but always in the direction of efficiency.  In that way the mind puts itself at the service of the result.  Like all servants, it renounces independence.  I am talking about another form of spiritual life, more detached and deeper, free from the obsession of a goal to be reached.  In a way, the universal invasion of technology, everywhere it goes, lessens the life of the mind. 

Medical research has clearly documented that Type A personalities are disproportionately riddled with cardiovascular disease and hypertension.  Perhaps that is why my chest hurts all the time.  But I find myself wondering sometimes whether I am really a Type A - or whether I just think I want to be a Type A, so I try to act like one.  Something akin to a schizophrenic capital-spiritual bohemian.  Been there?  I've pondered what comes first - the Type A personality or the stress and anger that accompany the frenzied mental existence that seems requisite for modern day success.  The answer is likely both varied and universal.

I am growing more comfortable with the simple desire that I grow as a spiritual man - and that if I can throw moderate success in there, great.  If not, then at least perhaps I had my priorities in order.  This has been challenging in some respects because relegating money to its important, but not "God-status," can feel a lot like resignation to inability, and therefore failure.  But I have always been blessed and capable - and I have to remember that my energy can only return so much.  In the context of recognizing my very important (and rewarding) role in providing financially for my family, where do I choose to personally invest and prioritize? 

I recently completed Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.  I thought that I knew a little something about managing finances in years past.  I didn't have it all wrong, but was pleasantly surprised (and humbled) by how much more was out there for me to learn.  One of the things that was driven home for me was the manner in which so many of us are slaves to these "things" that we think we have to consume.  Bigger houses and cars.  We work ourselves to death to service debt so we can impress - who?

For many years, I had goals.  Finish this degree, finishing that degree, achieving this professional benchmark.  Buy a house, check.  Get married, check.  Things became so transactional.  I remember watching the video of the reception at my first wedding and being taken aback by the fact that I didn't look happy!  I was clearly in transaction mode. I think those "goals" and checking them while in a spiritual coma helped to to keep me numb.  While focused on the goal target in the distance, I didn't have to look closely at the soul.  It wasn't necessary because soul didn't fit into the equation of "goals." 
 
I told someone recently that I felt like I had stopped setting goals. The reality is that I had run out of good reasons to feel unsatisfied.

But even knowing the truth, I mentioned that perhaps I needed to set another goal.  Maybe a run for political office.  Something. Talk about an inability to be rigorously honest with myself!  It was politely suggested that perhaps I needed to set better goals.  Normally I might have taken that as an insult to my industrious and productive nature.  But I didn't get offended this time.  I credit the divine for opening my ears and helping me keep my mouth shut in that moment.  That conversation and observation have been lingering in my mind for months.  I am working on defining and figuring out some better goals.  Goals which don't necessarily have dollar signs and promissory notes attached to them.  Goals which don't have deadlines and flowcharts associated with them.  Goals which are simple but not easy.  At the forefront has been an attempt at setting a daily goal to appreciate higher faith in the divine (not just cerebral faith).

fractured

oh fractured soul

                    why do you torture me ?

          I believed we'd parted

impoverished soul

                   yet why do you steal from ye ?

           I communed with you and your pleas for peace

silly, spurious sojourner

                   will you ever find your way to thee ?

           know the path is 

within and without

                     unsatisfied fruits of labor and reason
        
                           come to you 

                                    oh sweet relief

G. Ricci

Reinvention & Redemption

I remember hearing a lecture in graduate school from a gentleman who was preparing to leave his practice area.  There were some practical reasons - among them being that the lawmakers had made it really difficult to get paid.  But I was impressed with his fortitude.  He stated that he intended to move to Colorado and "reinvent himself."  He was of the opinion that one ought to do that at least every ten years (reinvent the self).  I find this interesting.  The concept of taking on different possibilities in a systemic and defined manner is both electrifying and terrifying at the same time.

How is this done in a non mid-life crisis manner?  I was amused with - that is the best adjective I can come up with - Julia Roberts most recent film, Eat Pray Love.  It seemed dangerously appealing and cheap to me.  There is without question something to be said for one finding self (and perhaps reinventing self in the process), but the film promotes some nonsense: 1. copious alcohol consumption as somehow a right in and of itself on the discovery journey, and 2. glamorization of divorce as a requisite surgery in the process of self discovery.  There are certainly times for divorce and maybe even copious alcohol consumption (for those who are not spiritually allergic).  But I find it commercially convenient that these concepts are sold to the consumer as inextricably tied to a path to peace (a peace that Roberts' character was remiss to give up for a new relationship - until encouraged to do so by her personal Yoda!).  We are pitched what sells - as is made evident by all of the Eat Pray Love crap that is being peddled in the wake of yet another round of death by "Americana spirituality-lite" (my own descriptor, you can't have it).

I have encountered much in recent months past.  And I am more convinced of only a small number of things.  That the divine is in control.  That I am not in control.  And I might as well stop worrying about why I cannot be in control.  I suppose that the appointed time for complete acceptance of these simple facts will come in due course.  I also think that in my own case the divine might not be encouraging me to reinvent myself - but to find myself in the first place.  In peeling back the layers of the onion, a new self emerges.  Reinvention, rebirth, and resultant redemption.  In the hands of the divine, these are the things that give me hope and courage.